The Start of My Thirties

 1.

Have you ever played hide and seek with a dead body? That December we found my brother's ashes 

seemingly forgotten in my parent's garage. My family is not heartless, they couldn't bare to part with their oldest. My sister and I used humor to dampen our grief of this morbid discovery. We brought him to a bar with a note the read "Hello my name is Pete and could I really use a drink.", knowing he would have approved of us offering him one last happy hour. 

2.

Have you ever held a grown man between shaking hands and begged him for forgiveness? That fall I carried another brother for my father who could not, and my mother who struggled in her wheelchair to part with her favorite. I am the clinging little sister who was being asked to let go of him for one last time. I still imagine him, resting next to pop-pop, patiently listening to an eternal string of stories about navel ships, locomotives, and the other things only Chris appreciated and loved. 

3.

Have you ever driven in a car with your father resting in your lap wondering where all of his has gone while praying as an atheist that he doesn't come spilling out? That April, my father took his last swim in the Atlantic Ocean among his family. We were so grateful that your pain was over, how you would have loved to see your girls all together again, and most of all, that you were finally at the beach without that miniscule blue bathing suit that spared us nothing. 

(2004)